The reciprocity paradigm

Something has been bothering me lately. So this may be more of a rant or vent than my typical encouragement post. I want to understand if I am alone in my feelings or just need to continue to do the soul work that is my life.

I struggle with knowing how to speak up and set boundaries when it comes to reciprocity and I don’t want to be passive or make excuses for it anymore. I just want to understand why so many people assume that if I’m not coming to you or doing for you, our relationship doesn’t exist. I’m over people asking or telling me to come by when I reside in a loving and welcoming environment as well and would love to entertain or just simply not have to exert the energy it takes to always go to or do for someone else. BALANCE!! Give and take and the simple understanding that now that I have a child it is much easier for me to enjoy myself if this toddler is in the confines of his home than potentially breaking the prized possessions of others.

It’s not just going to houses. It’s just being in things that don’t have balance. And I understand that’s not everyone’s role in my life but I’m in my feelings and this is my blog lol

I have some amazing reciprocal relationships in my life that show me that it is possible and I am worth effort. This affirms me and encourages me as well, but other relationships that I hold in very high regard prove to me consistently that the effort simply isn’t there and it hurts. And it frustrates me and makes me feel like I/we aren’t important enough to them and I’m simply exhausted!!!!

Holding on to this hurt affects me in ways I wish it didn’t. It’s residual from things that have happened in months and years past and I clearly need to work through it NOW. My temper, my physical and mental health and my ability to maintain my best self because I have not simply released these things. This has all been illuminated and magnified by motherhood. I find myself saying more often than ever “if was just me I would put up with it but I refuse to let this be my sons story.”

I try to be understanding and use discernment because not everyone is able to put out the energy to maintain relationships during different times in their life but we can never underestimate the power of communication. Tell me why! Let me know if there is a reason you’re unable to leave home, or show up or reach out and I am more than willing to support as needed. I desire authentic and long lasting interactions with the people in my life and the life of my family!

Have you ever experienced this feeling? These questions and wanted to process them?! I’m right here with you!! How do we find things like “they won’t ever come to my stuff but I consistently show up for them in the Bible?!” I try so hard to extend grace. I try so hard to show understanding and give opportunities for people to speak up and share why things may be off but the lack of response leave me feeling like I’m only worth the amount of effort I put in and I refuse to teach my son that he has to overextend himself to make himself relevant or accepted bu others.

I have no answers but I do have prayer. Please join me as we seek the father for comfort and peace in these day to day things that can add up and leave us feeling frustrated, drained and down.

Father, we thank you for who you are and all you do. Forgive me for my sins and cover me in your grace. I come to you today heavy burdened and seeing refuge in your love. Your love is healing, restorative and bring peace in the midst of a storm. Your love soothes my doubts and calms my fears, your love shows me who I am and helps me to show love to others. Thank you for creating in me a clean heart and renewing a right spirit in me and thank you for the heart you have given me for your people. Guide my path. Direct me to those who I need to come in contact with, stay for the season I should be in and accept what you allow during that time. Help me to be salt and light and continue to bring to you the things that can slow me down. You are the balm, the soothing salve and the restoration that I need. I find all that I need in you. I thank you for refreshing me! Help me to forgive and give for! I pray these things in Jesus name AMEN!

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