Out of control: Pregnancy and the first six (almost 8 now) months of my motherhood journey. Part 2

I found out I was pregnant the day before I started my new job. It was also a few weeks after my husband had left his job to seek new employment. I was the most exhausted I had ever been and was battling the normal symptoms of the blessed 1st Trimester. Before we go any further allow me to introduce myself. My name is Maya and pregnancy taught me some hard lessons about being in control. I have always loved stability. My parents both stayed on jobs for 20+ years and I stayed in the same home for the first 12 years of my life. I saw the same people, did the same things and lived a pretty stable life. I loved the predictability of it all and although I had gone through some very unpredictable years, overall I prefer to have a sense of control. At this time in life I felt under attack. I couldn’t control my mood, my appetite, my body was all over the place and I longed for the familiarity that everyday life was supposed to bring me.

Growing a human is a long process and felt even longer considering I was pregnant all but 2 months of 2018. That January I was off to an amazing start. I had decided to stop waiting for life to happen to be and start living authentically. I had been working in a position I wasn’t challenged, valued or compensated in, but it was comfortable and I was finally ready to push myself to achieve on a level that may be uncomfortable but put all those years of education to some kind of use. I felt like I was finally on top of things and going to have the best year ever when one day a baby I cared for daily, pushed me away and began to cry and crawl away. As soon as my break came I went to get a pregnancy test and saw a very faint line. I sent it to my friend and she suggested I just get the test that reads out the words pregnant or not pregnant. That night I took the test, It read pregnant and I broke the news to my husband.

I was so excited but couldn’t shake the feeling of guilt and shame for bringing a person in the world with out the financial means to take care of it. I felt out of control of the situation. I had received what I wanted and now another hill to climb. I could just feel the potential judgement coming my way, yet I thanked God and kept pushing. That next week, I found out my pay on my new job would be pro rated and I would be taking home less on my previous job. I couldn’t quit because I needed the health insurance and I knew the position was an important stepping stone in my career journey. I was sick and came down with bronchitis making it nearly impossible for me to function and this was just the first 3 months! My job has a 3 year learning curve, I came in mid year and because I was so sick I felt inadequate and incompetent. It seemed as it things would never be right. I was constantly apologizing because I knew that I just wasn’t myself and there was nothing I could do about it.

To top it all off, I was in a big shift with my close friend circle. I felt as if the people who should have been there with me, those who I had daydreamed about this time in my life and planned and really knew me and my story were nowhere to be found. I wanted to celebrate with them. To go shopping and have them around to take care of me when I felt I was at my weakest. I would cry often because I longed for the familiarity of what I knew. I wanted them to be excited with me, I wanted to be able to pick up the phone and them be available to me as they had for the last 10 or more years. It wasn’t going to happen and there was great purpose in it.

Looking back I can see I was right where I needed to be. Isaiah 43:18-19 says “Forget the former things;  do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness  and streams in the wasteland. As I started my year I knew that I would have to approach life differently that I was accustomed to. The separation wasn’t forever but in order for me to walk in the season ahead I had to forget those things that were behind me. My new season of motherhood would be unlike anything I had ever experienced and I needed to be in the mindset to be open and vulnerable mentally, spiritually as what was to come was different than anything I had ever experienced.

Receiving our “new thing” whatever that my be requires us to stop depending on what we can take from past experiences. It is so easy for us to lean on our own understanding and not acknowledge God as the author and finisher of our faith. He knows exactly what he is doing and why. If I would’t have been sick, I wouldn’t have learned how to sit down and rest when need be. If I wouldn’t have had that separation from my close friends, I would have missed out on the wealth of new women he had lined up to cross my path. If I would have gotten the job at any other time, I would have quit before I gained the skills that I need to take to get to my next level. When the scripture says “do you not perceive it” it reminds me of how often God can be changing our narrative and we are unable to perceive what is going on because we are too focused on things going the way we see it or getting to the destination that we aren’t appreciating the amazing growth that happens along our journeys, the ways made and doors open. The every day wonders big and small.

Surrendering our will for the perfect will of God requires us to feel out of control at times. However if we quiet or minds and focus on him, our storm may not change but we will realize we’ve come farther that we would have on our own. We will see that the things we thought would have taken us out not only we survived but we are better for it and when we keep our minds on him we are overcome with peace that surpasses all understanding.

If you are seeking to be ok with being out of control please join me in this prayer.

Lord, I thank you for where you have brought me at this time. I want to exchange my will for your good and perfect will for my life. I surrender control and turn it over to you. Help me to trust your plan. Guide me with clarity to make the right choices. Help me to trust you when trouble rises and praise you even when I can’t understand that plan. I am your child. You created me and have plans to prosper me and not to harm me. I place all worry, anxiety and doubt into your hands. Lord I believe, help my unbelief. Your ways are higher. You are able to do exceedingly abundantly above all I can ask or think. Help me to not grow impatient to your timing but to have peace, love and joy through the process. I ask these things in your son Jesus name, Amen.

Was I ok with being out of control? No it felt so foreign to have my body overtaken by this little parasite. The first trimester the amount of people who knew I was pregnant was limited so I had all this chaos going on inside of me and I had to hold it together on the outside. It all starts with a choice to try something out of the norm. You may not be pregnant with a human but you may be pregnant with purpose. Those Ideas and gifts and talents you’ve been holding inside of you that you just can’t let go of but its not time to let them out. You’re growing something precious. Do not be afraid of the unfamiliarity and all of the what if’s and how will it work out’s. Give God a try. I promise it may not turn out how you would imagine, but he won’t fail you and he won’t let you down.

Thank you for reading, part three next week.

One thought on “Out of control: Pregnancy and the first six (almost 8 now) months of my motherhood journey. Part 2

  1. Chelsea L says:

    God, I believe; help my unbelief!

    Maya, I’ve read this entry before but today it just felt…different. It’s exactly the reminder I needed to let go and trust God cuz ya girl been stressing! Lol

    Thank you for sharing your story and including that prayer. I may not understand what’s going on or why, but I CAN pray for peace to endure.

    Liked by 1 person

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