I always knew I was meant to be somebody’s Momma. Growing up I loved nurturing others, providing love and affection and being a part of the learning process of children of all ages. I became an aunt at the age of 5 and have never gone long with out small children around for me to care about. Before we go any further into my back story, Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Maya and I took on a fear that either I wouldn’t be able to conceive or it would be a hardship in my life. You may wonder what sparked this fear? Mind you when this started I was single and nowhere near a position to be in a place to even be truly worried about this but we must remember fear isn’t rational. I believed that the reason I dedicated my life work to children and youth was because that would be the closest I would ever get to motherhood.
Coming into marriage, I knew that not only was this the perfect man for me to share my life journey with but I knew he was the only man I had met in life that I saw as fit to be my children’s father. He is as passionate and excited to raise and nurture children as I am and although our methods differ in some areas, I was excited to have this experience, to give him the gift of carrying on our legacy and fulfill a desire he had as well. I didn’t want to rush into having children because I always wanted that time with just my husband, I always said wait two years because I waited all this time to get married and I didn’t want to have to share right away because I just knew our child would be a daddies baby no matter what. However the fear of not being able to conceive loomed over my head like a black cloud.
My family history of fertility issues as well as my weight being a factor stressed me out. Although I truly was in no rush, I just needed to know my body could do it. Part of me believed that due to some of the sexual trauma I experienced or my transgressions following me I was being punished by God and I would be barren and my husband who has always wanted to be a father would leave me for someone who was thin and fertile. I started obsessing over my negative test and my tracking apps and it began to cause some tension in my marriage. Since we were still so new as a couple, I still hadn’t learned to be fully open and vulnerable and communicate my fears and anxiety about being able to conceive and it came off as me forcing ourselves into parenthood. This if left untreated would have been breeding grounds for a host of other issues. Often times in marriage it is so easy to not take into account our partners feelings about the things we want most. Timing and coming to a common ground can be so important and I did not want to be guilty of driving my marriage in to the dirt so soon after we got started.
So I began to let go of the urgency. I was working out to change my priorities to being healthy and seeking God for healing and courage and above all I wanted to be in a mentally healthy place for myself and my marriage. I shifted my focus and worked on being faithful over what I did have. I spent time with the children in my life, supported and checked in on my mommy friends and worked hard to be present in my now. It was a difficult to be open about desiring a child because we didn’t fit the “mold” of “responsible people who are ready to bring a child in the world” I am still working through the expectations I put on myself and who qualifies me and what opinions really get a vote in my life, but I didn’t want to be judged. Staying with my mom, working ridiculous hours, still trying to navigate the basics of adulting and marriage just to name a few, left me feeling disqualified from the chances of being supported or celebrated if and when my time came. I didn’t completely let go of my hopes and continued to pray for my miracle. I even prayed the prayer Hannah prayed ( 1 Samuel 1:11) Our answer came in message form. ” The baby will come, but you will have to wait.”
My question now was, what do we do when God tells us to wait? A wait is a yes with an unknown completion date. My first reaction was defeat. Next rage, then hope and then fear. When? Do I have to wait until I’m old and then only have one child? Real life answer is none of that matters. (Lamentations 3:25) The lord is good to unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him. God is good. I sought him with all of me and now its time to wait. It’s coming I just didn’t know when. That stands for anything we go through. You may not be waiting on pregnancy. You may be waiting to start your business or to speak to someone you need to. It may be waiting on when to move to a new state or switch jobs. Sometimes its yes sometimes no and sometimes its simply wait. Isaiah 40:30 assures us that our strength will be renewed as we wait on him. We will be able to endure the wait until it becomes a NOW.
My now happened to be just a few weeks after I was told to wait…. I found out I was pregnant!
Now it’s your turn to wait! Part 2 Coming soon!!