Pssssst! Sis, there is no checklist, recipe or hand book for “getting” a husband.

As always, allow me to reintroduce myself. My name is Maya, and I used to think that if I was educated and strategic enough, God would ring a bell and my husband would appear. If you have ever felt that way please continue reading! In honor of my 2 year wedding anniversary, I want to share with you some of MY journey, perspective and insight.

I grew up in an interesting predicament. My parents divorced when I was 1 year old but they remained friends. However I was surrounded by beautiful, healthy black marriages. Almost all of them still together to this day, some celebrating 40 plus years of life together. Being surrounded by this standard, watching family sitcoms and reading all types of books about families, I just KNEW that I was created to be someones rib. If I had it my way I would grow up, go to college and meet the love of my life, we would graduate and buy our first home, work our community focused jobs and live our very best version of whatever life I was currently into.

My dating experiences went a little something like this. In high school I had a boyfriend. I was down for one and done. He was going to be it, we were going to go to school for two years, get married and finish college together because his school had family housing and I just knew he was the one until he dumped me. The END

The year was 2009 and I went to college single and never ready to mingle again. John legend’s everybody knows, Alicia Keys’ sleeping with a broken heart and Adele’s Chasing Pavements were on repeat and my new plan was to graduate with every degree I could imagine and live a long and successful life of travel and educational greatness mixed with fame and philanthropy like Oprah. I went to a liberal arts school not far from Canada and as a plus size, natural hair, black girl from Tacoma, and I very quickly realized that this was not the place to earn my MRS. degree. After a few crushes and my fair share of traumatic experiences, I left and moved back home to Tacoma.

Now I’m home at with no degree, no man and no motivation. I was so upset with myself and felt like I was completely off my path. I went through a few years of laying low on the man department and just got back to square one. I like to call this my broken winged bird season.

When my wings were all healed up my dear friend introduced me to dating apps. I would say very little about myself just to see how many would pick me based on looks alone. I soon felt that I had to decide between military or warehouse workers. This was eye opening because all this time I had in my mind that some 6’4, chocolate Morehouse grad would find me walking in a park or doing community service and sweep me off my feet and give me my best life. While this may be someones story I’m so glad its not mine.

Somewhere in 2015 I started looking for more in life. I wanted all the things, and I knew that I had to work hard to get them. So I finished my degree, worked on my credit and got a job promotion. I thought I was doing all the right things! I was working out, going to social and networking events alone or with other amazing positive women, buying candles and groupon massages, traveling, going to counseling, in a book club, ordering natural hair subscription boxes, purging my belongings, getting rid of baggage, reading self help books galore and living my very best single girl life. I was hanging out with women doing the things I aspired, boldly cutting off the men that were wasting my time, reclaiming my time, declaring my worth, losing friendships left and right, dressing well and celebrating me, clinging to the cross and serving in every way I knew how and still… nobody was trying to marry me!

I was following all the rules! It wasn’t fair. I didn’t want to rush into anything but I at least wanted to know that I wasn’t going to be forever alone. So much of my personal goals required a partner. I was doing the work! I wrote that requirement list they tell us to submit to Jesus, I revised it, I researched the qualities I desired in the bible and then I ripped up the list and prayed not my will but yours. I believed that my future husband was somewhere out there preparing himself for me just like I was preparing myself for him.

I had gotten so wrapped up in my growth that I began to stop taking to time to look back and see how far I had come. I was more confident than I had ever been, I was walking in truth, leading in light and had changed my whole environment. I had new friends and the friendships that carried over were elevating to the newer and greater paths we were on. I was good! I was planning businesses and working in youth ministry, being active in my community and for the first time enjoying my journey in the contentment of my single identity.

In July 2016 my best guy friend of two years, asked me if in conversation about him never trying something different in women I was referring to myself. I wasn’t, but this conversation led to us exploring the possibility of a more than platonic relationship. 11 months later we were married. No Morehouse man, no fireworks, no book store encounter, no fairy tale but it was perfect for me. It met my wants and needs. No checklist was completed. I didn’t buy my house and have my business launched, I did’t date him two years and save up for a $20,000 dream wedding. I didn’t do anything but pray and seek God for guidance and confirmation of timing. If I was in charge I would say I wasn’t ready even though if you had asked me in 2009 I just knew I was. I had a list to complete and I was no where near by those standards!

So I say all this to say my single ladies, doing the work is important. I love being a whole woman in a marriage with a whole man. I am so glad I took that time out to enjoy my single hood. I’m a better me a better wife and a better mother for it. However I want to encourage you in a way I can’t say I was when I was single. You can feel like you are doing all the right things and still nothing. There is seemingly a good man shortage and you may feel like that guy who is steadily hitting you with good morning text and a corny selfie is getting to be more and more marriage material but please don’t settle. Learn to enjoy the wait so much it is no longer a wait but your own journey to your best you. You can be the most beautiful in the land and still pull duds. Just remember, even Beyonce got cheated on! There can be so much pressure from family, friends around you leaving you to be the single one, to that tiny little clock tick tick ticking away in your head. The interwebs are full of seemingly everyone living their best boo’d up life with somebody’s son, and all you have is a couple wyd text and that one guy who keeps putting heart eyes under your pictures.

It can sound so cliche to say focus on you, but that’s the truth. Your love story may be way cooler and more romantic than mine and I wish you all the love and happiness on your journey. The only real pressure on you is the pressure you’re allowing on yourself. Get free, get whole and LIVE!

Thank you for reading

2 thoughts on “Pssssst! Sis, there is no checklist, recipe or hand book for “getting” a husband.

  1. Jess Michelle says:

    So many single women need to hear this!!! If we seek first the Kingdom of God, He promised that everything else will be added! Including our desires! Thank you for showing us single women what to expect when we focus on ourselves. And thank you for encouraging us by sharing how God brought your perfect king to you❤️


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