Ohhhh, so I have trust issues trust issues.

Trust. verb, believe in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of.

“I love God! He has never failed me, he blesses me and his ways are higher than mine and hes in control and he wants me to prosper and I know that I know that he can do it and…(unexpected life event happens) I have to figure this out and I don’t know how to fix it and if I do it this way these are the consequences I’m willing to live with and…”

Hello my name is Maya and I struggle with trusting God.

This feels so embarrassing. But I am hoping that sharing leads to my liberation and growth and helps someone else. I get really choosy with what I trust God to handle. My marriage, check. The lives of others, yes he will do it! I just started trusting him with family and even with myself. I can say I’ve had so much improvement. Yet, recent events have exposed that I have not been trusting him with all areas and I have allowed the enemy in to take me smooth off my path into full blown depression over it. May 19th 2019 I made the decision to come out and this is part of my process. My steps for overcoming my mental health struggles are, admit, find the source, repent, forgive, speak with the word and press forward.

I believe that the bible is my perfect reference book and although I draw from many things in life I will always back up my truths with THE TRUTH aka the bible. Just as a recap and refresher, we know, John 10:10 states The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
Proverbs 3:5-6  Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall [a]direct your paths.

Trust comes easiest through strong and secure relationship and when I give access to the enemy to run a muck in my thoughts, I neglect my relationship and connection with my father. The disconnect becomes apparent when I find myself feeling stressed, weepy, lethargic, not caring, snappy and ultimately out of character. The frustration with these feeling leads me to lash out on loved ones or eat my feelings. This leads to bloat, pain and trickles into my self confidence. Lack of self confidence causes me to not reach out to friends, cancel social events and spend time in bed. Do you see how all of these things easily spiral out of control? My actions and disposition allow me to affirm the lies I believe and frame them to be my truths which when allowed to continue have let me to begin to self destruct. In the past it led to me being dismissed from university, lose employment, substance abuse, loss friendships, and stop my efforts towards what I know I should be doing.

The catch is. I CANNOT STAY IN THAT PLACE. I have too much to live for to self destruct. Beyond my family of whom I love and cherish, I have to come out for ME! I have been granted gifts and purpose that the world needs. I am a valuable part of Gods design just like you and it is our DUTY each day that we are granted to do our very best. I am grateful for this lesson and believe that it is all apart of the plan to continue to carry me forward in my growth journey. Knowing this just reaffirms I have to put full trust in God. I cannot afford to doubt that I can always rely of his strength or ability to take care of me and those I love. In a day in age that values “having it all together,” it is challenging at times to come out and say I struggle. I aspire to be support to others on their journey and want to be open and honest about my hurdles along the way. Shame, a product of pride tries to tell me that I can’t help anyone while flawed but I can look through years of history biblical and secular and see that that is not so. I aspire to lead by way of the spirit of Christ which dwells in me, my journey and most of all love. So here comes my favorite parts, repentance, forgiveness and the word.

Please join me in prayer. Lord please forgive me for not trusting in your perfect will for my life. Thank you for grace and mercy that covers me and for sending your son to die for my sins. Help me to trust you with my whole heart, mind and soul. Help me to not lean to my own understanding but when trials come my way to turn to you. To seek your face in my times of disappointment, misunderstanding, uncertainty, fear, trials and anything that comes my way. You have shown yourself to be mighty and strong in my life, your word says you will never leave me or forsake me, that you have plans to prosper me and not to harm me. I believe your word to be truth. Help me to walk, grow and live my life upright and turn away and call out every guilt, shame and untruth that the enemy tries to attack me with. Thank you for the season you have me in, help me to operate in my full potential and as who you created me to be. In Jesus name, AMEN

Last but not least! Here is a list of some of the scriptures I referenced along with so other great ones to speak over yourself and situations when it comes to trusting God.

  • Hebrews 4:16  Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
  • John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
  • 2 Chronicles 7:14 if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.
  • Ephesians 1:7-10 In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding, he[d] made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, 10 to be put into effect when the times reach their fulfillment—to bring unity to all things in heaven and on earth under Christ.
  • Deuteronomy 31:8 The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
  • Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
  • Proverbs 29:25 Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.
  • Psalms 28:7 The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.
  • Psalms 91:2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”

. The day after writing this I felt proud of myself. I felt like I was on my way to doing better and feeling more confident than I had in a while. And then came the real test. I was triggered and spiraled back into wanting to self destruct. I left work and drove to my best friends job, thought about opening up and feeling embarrassed about being weak AGAIN and continued to drive. I went in a store, walked around and went back to the car. Full of raw emotion, fear and rage I began punching the middle console of my car thinking of how I had the power to break my hand if I so chose. I was able to bring myself to a place of prayer and cried out to God and asked him to help me, to ease my spirit, to guide my path…and I believed he would do it but being so full of these feelings that are the opposite of the gifts God gives, 2 Timothy 1:7 7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. I was unsure that I would be able to break through. My mind began to wander into escape mode and I started planning how to get into a bad enough car crash to not die, but be hurt enough for people to value me and show me they care and to see that I matter and my presence has a great impact. Then I received a text and was able to find the courage to ask that person if I could call them. I asked for prayer for my mind and sat shaking in rage as she began to intercede on my behalf. It was just what I needed.

I share this with you because I want you to know that doing the work one time doesn’t fix the problem. Growing up I would get so upset because I would go to the altar or pay at home, feel a touch from God, and nothing changes about my situation. The gag is, the situation may never change, but our acceptance of what we go through and change in how we handle them can be altered but the choice we have to trust in God. One of my favorite hymns is what a friend we have in Jesus. The song punches me in the gut when it says, oh what peace we often forgot, oh what needless pains we bear, all because we do not carry, everything to God in prayer. The word and prayer are tools against what comes against us. Ephesians 6:12 says, For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. This walk is never a single round fight. My journey to trusting God can’t be fixed by doing anything once. It is a every day surrender to say God I trust you, and when trouble arises I pull out my weapon of choice and go all in. There is no fairy tale ending here. There is something everyone battles with. Some have money and no peace, some have great ministry and fame but live in constant battles of physical illness. The victory comes through not giving up. Claiming joy over sorrow, and as 1 Thessalonians 5:18 states, In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. Philippians 4:8 instructs us, Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

When we are going through hard times just know it is not punishment but God’s perfect will for our lives. Ecclesiastes 3:1-11 comforts us with what the lion king would call the circle of life. I take comfort in knowing that that as I kill off the undesirable things about myself and begin to heal, I may break down

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace. What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.

Praise be to God for allowing me to share with you. 💕

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